I think I've said that phrase at least a billion times in the past month alone. I really have used it in pretty much every situation I can think of from the mundane to the unimaginable and today was no exception. "I'm trying," was tossed into a conversation with my mom, (like the loose change in your pocket that you unthinkingly just add to the tip because its there), and I didn't realize what I had said until it had passed through my lips. Then the realization hit.
The phrase, "I'm trying" has actually come to mean, "yeah, well, whatever. Back off."
When did I become so guarded? When did I learn to speak easy words that mask what I'm really saying instead of the words that sting, but resound with the truth that they contain? Why have I not paused to think about the subtle lies that fly out of my mouth? Honestly, I'm not sure. I do know that I am tired of this process.
So here are some words that sting a little:
I'm not doing fine. I don't have everything figured out the way I said I would, the way I convinced myself I would. I feel confused- like I'm in a haze all the time. But I'm not down and out, I refuse to be.
I'm going to try to be honest with myself and others. And I've decided that I'm going to take the initiative to look positively at my life. Each day I will try to post something funny or weird or whatever that I want to and also to post something that I am thankful for. Let's see how this goes.